I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
