This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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