She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
