How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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