Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Did I show you my penis last night?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
