I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
