capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
