this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
