I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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