Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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