Your mouth is God's brothel.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
