Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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