by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
