I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Couch. On fire.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
