I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
