the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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