Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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