after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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