Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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