Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I want is dick and wine.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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