what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
