The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
