I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
