The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
