Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
