I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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