And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
