we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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