Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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