Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
