This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
where are my pants?
in the oven.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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