I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
