btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
