She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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