I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize