My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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