That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
