her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
