Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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