I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Congratulations! We have a period
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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