My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
