I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
