you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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