If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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