it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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