it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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