Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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