The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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