Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
