My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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