I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
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