If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he fucked my hip out of place.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
