I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
