I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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