but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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