did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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