actually, I'm a sock model
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
