Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
